Don't you hate it when you try to be there for someone, when youre there for them months at a time and when you need them they arent there at all. Dont you hate it when you help someone but they never take you seriously. Whats the point of being there for someone and they dont change. Change takes time but still. This was ridiculous. I know what kind of people I fall for and they always turn out to be the same. Looks wise they are different, personality different, but when it comes to their inner issues its all the same. I want to fall for someone, not just want to help "fix" them.

Nicole and I got into a fight at the convention I was at. It was stupid and not the place or time. But deep down I wanted to make scene in front of you. just to have you look at me again.

So I've been hanging out with Maia and a bunch of other people the past couple days because of a convention. I can say I don't like her anymore but I just want to be in a relationship. I want to have someone to depend on (this is going to be the same rant as usual) her feelings for me changed because she still loves her ex girlfriend who is probably still her girlfriend. When she's done with college she'll move away and I'll never see her again. It will be one of those stories of somebody who I used to know. I'm just waiting for a new chapter in my life to begin. But I don't know how or when it will begin. It's like the writer of my life has writers block and doesn't know what to do with me next. The next chapter will take mnonths and maybe years. I think I can wait. It has to be worth the wait. Right?

Nicole isn't my only friend with benefit. Danika is a close friend if mine that I met through my cousin and she knows about all my past relationships. She's the one who I like to talk to when I need advice. We've both needed each other one night and we made slow sweet love. When I didn't tell her anything about Maia, I had to start from the beginning. It felt good to talk about her again. Although I do know it's giving me hope that maybe she will see me as something more. But that's not gonna happen and Danika knew that was my thought process. She made me feel loved again last night. Waking up with her arms around me and asking me if I feel better is exactly what I needed. Just someone to make me feel loved and not looking for someone to love.

It's another night like this to remind myself why I choose to live with my family. I choose to stay here for my grandpa and my sisters. I love my parents but they are so dysfunctional together. Separate i can love them both but together I just want to stick a middle finger at them and walk out of the house. I'm kind of mad that my friends bailed out on me tonight, but thankful for the reminder of how my life is at home. I'm here to be a pillar of support for my sisters. To explain to them why I yell at them and not just yell. To not just sit back and watch like my dad has done all these years. I will be the balance between both of them. My grandma used to be the balance and since she's gone I guess I have to step in. I can deal with it. Sometimes. I wanted to call you tonight after my parents stopped their scream session. I used to vent to you after all the scream sessions. But the magic that we had is gone and now I'm not sure if I have a right to ask you to help me. I don't even feel like you lable me as a friend anymore. Just a regret. It sucks to know that you think you hurt me so much and now you won't look at me.

Just look at me. See me for who I am.

You say you're not ready to be in a relationship. You say you aren't the girl for me. You want me to be happy with someone else. You want us to stay friends. I'm okay with that. Why can't you be okay with it? You being afraid to be my friend tells me that maybe, just maybe you have some feeling for me. You're just scared. But you know what? I'm not done fighting for you. I may be hurt and left with a broken heart but I'm not done just yet. So don't you dare pull away from me. You have no right to do that. I know how to heal my broken heart and you pulling away and ignoring me is not the answer. Don't you dare! Do a Sasha. I know you're better than her. I know when to stop because of her. It's not that time yet.

Look at me and smile. Look at me and remember why we became friends. Look at me and remember why you started to fall for me. Look at me like how I look at you.

I got my closure today. I finally asked you if I did something wrong that changed us. You said it wasn't. You weren't ready and you didn't like yourself the way you are. What isn't there to like? The person you are now is the person I came to care for as more than a friend. The person you are now gave me butterflies, goofy smiles and hope that maybe one day I could fall for you. If you want to change why can't I be there to see the change? Why did you have to push me away. Why did I just state at my phone for the past two months wondering if it was my fault. Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough for you?

I told you months ago that I'm not going anywhere. I've slept with other people, and been out on a few harmless dates and all I want is you. I still like you, and just because you tell me that you aren't ready doesn't mean that my feelings for you will just disappear. I can try and move on like I have been for the past two months but that didn't work out. So now here I am. Waiting for you to realize that I like you for who you are. You are a great person and I'm not going anywhere just yet. 

After I realized you didn't want anything to do with me. I slept with someone who trusted and would make me feel something. In the few weeks you were gone all I could think about was you coming home. Coming home to a girl who has been trying to fight for your attention. A girl who smiled whenever she talked about you, a girl who wanted to be yours. The sex was fun and it felt good.
I've been hanging out with other people but you, trying to move on from you. But all I want to do is invite you out with me. But I couldn't because I knew you would say no. I knew I wasn't enough to make you say yes. I don't want to get Danielle in the middle of this. I like hanging out with her but she's your friend and when she talks about you, I feel hurt, hurt I didn't know the story that she was telling me about you. Hurt that I couldn't be part of the story.
The movie tomorrow is probably the last time I will invite you anywhere. I'm hurt that you would rather clean than hang out with me and your best friend. I couldn't even bring myself to walk into your place and say hi. I just wanted to go home and move on. But what did i do? I saw you talking about a show on Netflix and instead I watched it by myself. Trying to figure out more about you. Always trying to learn more about you as a person. To figure out why I can't move on from you.
Why as soon as my date was over I thought about you. Why all I want to do is have your right here next to me.

Sad pathetic repetitive post of the week; done.

Goal: make progress

I had a fun time during my date. I didn't think of you at once. There's nothing romantic going on, just some good fun between friends.

But once the magic of the date was gone, all I thought of was you. You and how I should be moving on from you, but I can't. Not yet anyways. But at least I know I'm trying. I'm trying to move on and be happy. I know I can be happy.

If anything through all my past relationships and life events, I know I can be happy with and without you.

Done. Done. Done

I have a date next week with someone who actually wants to be with me. I don't have to question their intentions because honestly I don't give a fuck anymore. Whatever happens, happens. Not gonna wait around anymore for something good to happen to me. Not going to wait around to see if you like me and to say something to me. I can't wait anymore I shouldn't be waiting in the first place. You reminded me of Sasha, as soon as you did I should have stopped talking to you. I never want to go through that pain again and I won't. A giant red flag as what not to look for in a significant other.

Oh well.

All I can think about whenever I read in the morning? Is you. That one night you slept over and I woke up to you next to me. Me looking down on you telling you to wake up and get ready to go. Knowing that I was the first person you saw in the morning made me feel special. I wish I had kissed you that one day. When I realize you aren't in my bed in the morning I think back to the night we were walking in the rain and I gave you my beanie so you wouldnt get sick again. I remember putting my hands on your face to wipe away the rain. I looked into your eyes and wished I had kissed you then too.

What a wonderful train of thoughts to have first thing in the morning

I've been thinking non stop about Maia lately, but I don't think shes thinking about me at all. I get that, my crush doesn't like me back and I have to move on.

but God damn I was thinking about all the things we could do as a couple. I thought way too far ahead and wished I didn't. I moved slow but my mind was going a mile a minute.

I want to fight for you. I'm fighting with myself to just move on from you. I will not forget anything that we did. I don't regret any of it. Just miss it.

Got this is a sad pathetic repetitive post.

I was feeling pretty shitty and lonely last night. I don't drink and I don't do drugs.
But I would kill for any form of affection. There's another girl, (Nicole) that I still care for and it's complicated.

We would flirt, hang out and I asked her to be mine. I didn't wait. She was the girl that made me forget about Sasha. The girl who made me realize that what Sasha and I had was nothing, I should have wanted in a relationship. But she's not from here, shes only here for school and nothing more.  I was okay with it, we would do everything together and I was happy. For a while anyways. When she went home we continued to talk like we normally would, until one day she asked me if it was okay to go out with someone back home.
I was shocked. Here she knew exactly how I felt about her and she goes out with someone back home.

What happens when she comes back for school? It would be the same exact situation that would have happened between us. She still has two more years of school here, did she not want me to be hers for those two years? Would have it been possible for her to just move here to be with me? Or if I move up there to be with her? So I told her I still cared for her and this is hurting me but she can do whatever she wants.

Sasha isn't part of my life anymore because I couldn't look at her without thinking "what if", what if I had fought for her sooner, what if I never did fall in love with her. Would Nicole be the same way? I didn't want it to be. So Nicole and I still talk. I'm not falling in love with her anymore and I can say I call her my friend. Who I sleep with from time to time... Yeah I know, its fucked. What makes it worse? Her girl friend knows we sleep together and is okay with it. So, yeah. Whatever happens, happens.

But when I started talking to Maia, she would get defensive whenever I talked to her. Even went through my messages and got mad at me for telling Maia that I actually liked her. Who was she the one to tell me for I can and can't like?  Nicole told me she would hurt me in the end and all I could say was "You're the one who ended up hurting me, remember?" We haven't spoken to each other since November. Until today. I slept with her, I wanted to feel wanted again, needed to feel wanted. It feels good to have Nicole back in my life again even if it  doesn't last.

She's laying next to me right now. Sleeping, so at peace. I'm happy right now, but all I can think about is

"Guess she was right though. I did end up getting hurt by Maia."

Maia. Her name is Maia and I miss her. That's all I wanted to tell her when she got home. 

"I miss you and I want you back in my life." 

I still haven't had the chance to do that. 

Maybe I'm just to slow when it comes to relationships. I always try to play it safe but end up getting left behind. I just never had the timing. Probably never will. 

What worries me is that I won't get to see the new friends I made because I don't want this to get awkward. I'm probably the one who's going to make things awkward. Oh well though, I tried and things didnt work out. 

So remember what I did and move on right? Don't forget the hurt from this. Remember and move on. 

Be happy.

New post on a new blog.

This blog will be my personal journal, about everything and anything.

The first thing I want to talk about is a girl I was starting to care for. At first I thought it was just because I was hanging out with her a lot with our group of friends, and the next thing I know she was the only person on my mind. I would always think when would be the next time I get to hang out with her, when would I be able to hold her again, when will be the next time she'll smile when she sees me. Smile at me like she's happy to see me, not just being polite or it being an automatic reaction when you say hi to someone. That genuine smile that I love to see on people, that genuine smile that will make me like you as a person, that genuine smile that will make me smile back.

I haven't had a lot of good relationships in my life, and I haven't had a lot of bad ones either, heck I've only been on this planet for 21 years and I don't even know who I am. I know what it's like to be the other girl, I know what it's like to be cheated on, I know what it's like for your ex girlfriend to cheat on you with your other ex boyfriend and she gets knocked up, and eventually get married, and live whatever life they're living. I've been on the shit side of a relationship. The brighter side of a relationship, I never regret them. Even if they were with people who I don't really talk to anymore. I would never regret the first time someone asked to hold my hand, I will never regret my first kiss, never regret being in a long distance relationship only to realize we are better off as friends, I will never regret the people who I fell for. It makes me who I am today. It makes me realize what I want out of life. It makes me want more out of life.

I thought things were going great, until it felt like she didn't want to talk to me anymore. It feels like she doesn't want anything to do with me. It feels like shit right now. No matter how many times you get hurt, no matter how many different situations you've been in, having your feelings crushed will always hurt. I'm telling myself that maybe she's not doing this on purpose, maybe she has other stuff going on, maybe just maybe I am on her mind but she's just not showing. Maybe I should just move on and forget about her. I know what it feels like to be wanted and what i'm feeling right now is nowhere near how I felt with others.

To feel wanted and loved. That is what I want to feel again. I want to be the first person on someones mind in the morning and the last at night. I want to play the game with someone. I want to fall in love and be loved. I know I shouldn't rush any of this. Live life day by day right? Nankurunaisa meaning whatever happens, happens.

How do I just let my heart be broken? I'm allowed to cry right? I'm allowed to cry over a girl who I've only known for the past three months right? right?

Because I'm crying right now.