Thursday, March 27, 2014

Nicole isn't my only friend with benefit. Danika is a close friend if mine that I met through my cousin and she knows about all my past relationships. She's the one who I like to talk to when I need advice. We've both needed each other one night and we made slow sweet love. When I didn't tell her anything about Maia, I had to start from the beginning. It felt good to talk about her again. Although I do know it's giving me hope that maybe she will see me as something more. But that's not gonna happen and Danika knew that was my thought process. She made me feel loved again last night. Waking up with her arms around me and asking me if I feel better is exactly what I needed. Just someone to make me feel loved and not looking for someone to love.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

It's another night like this to remind myself why I choose to live with my family. I choose to stay here for my grandpa and my sisters. I love my parents but they are so dysfunctional together. Separate i can love them both but together I just want to stick a middle finger at them and walk out of the house. I'm kind of mad that my friends bailed out on me tonight, but thankful for the reminder of how my life is at home. I'm here to be a pillar of support for my sisters. To explain to them why I yell at them and not just yell. To not just sit back and watch like my dad has done all these years. I will be the balance between both of them. My grandma used to be the balance and since she's gone I guess I have to step in. I can deal with it. Sometimes. I wanted to call you tonight after my parents stopped their scream session. I used to vent to you after all the scream sessions. But the magic that we had is gone and now I'm not sure if I have a right to ask you to help me. I don't even feel like you lable me as a friend anymore. Just a regret. It sucks to know that you think you hurt me so much and now you won't look at me.

Just look at me. See me for who I am.

Friday, March 14, 2014

You say you're not ready to be in a relationship. You say you aren't the girl for me. You want me to be happy with someone else. You want us to stay friends. I'm okay with that. Why can't you be okay with it? You being afraid to be my friend tells me that maybe, just maybe you have some feeling for me. You're just scared. But you know what? I'm not done fighting for you. I may be hurt and left with a broken heart but I'm not done just yet. So don't you dare pull away from me. You have no right to do that. I know how to heal my broken heart and you pulling away and ignoring me is not the answer. Don't you dare! Do a Sasha. I know you're better than her. I know when to stop because of her. It's not that time yet.

Look at me and smile. Look at me and remember why we became friends. Look at me and remember why you started to fall for me. Look at me like how I look at you.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

I got my closure today. I finally asked you if I did something wrong that changed us. You said it wasn't. You weren't ready and you didn't like yourself the way you are. What isn't there to like? The person you are now is the person I came to care for as more than a friend. The person you are now gave me butterflies, goofy smiles and hope that maybe one day I could fall for you. If you want to change why can't I be there to see the change? Why did you have to push me away. Why did I just state at my phone for the past two months wondering if it was my fault. Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough for you?

I told you months ago that I'm not going anywhere. I've slept with other people, and been out on a few harmless dates and all I want is you. I still like you, and just because you tell me that you aren't ready doesn't mean that my feelings for you will just disappear. I can try and move on like I have been for the past two months but that didn't work out. So now here I am. Waiting for you to realize that I like you for who you are. You are a great person and I'm not going anywhere just yet.