Don't you hate it when you try to be there for someone, when youre there for them months at a time and when you need them they arent there at all. Dont you hate it when you help someone but they never take you seriously. Whats the point of being there for someone and they dont change. Change takes time but still. This was ridiculous. I know what kind of people I fall for and they always turn out to be the same. Looks wise they are different, personality different, but when it comes to their inner issues its all the same. I want to fall for someone, not just want to help "fix" them.

Nicole and I got into a fight at the convention I was at. It was stupid and not the place or time. But deep down I wanted to make scene in front of you. just to have you look at me again.

So I've been hanging out with Maia and a bunch of other people the past couple days because of a convention. I can say I don't like her anymore but I just want to be in a relationship. I want to have someone to depend on (this is going to be the same rant as usual) her feelings for me changed because she still loves her ex girlfriend who is probably still her girlfriend. When she's done with college she'll move away and I'll never see her again. It will be one of those stories of somebody who I used to know. I'm just waiting for a new chapter in my life to begin. But I don't know how or when it will begin. It's like the writer of my life has writers block and doesn't know what to do with me next. The next chapter will take mnonths and maybe years. I think I can wait. It has to be worth the wait. Right?

Nicole isn't my only friend with benefit. Danika is a close friend if mine that I met through my cousin and she knows about all my past relationships. She's the one who I like to talk to when I need advice. We've both needed each other one night and we made slow sweet love. When I didn't tell her anything about Maia, I had to start from the beginning. It felt good to talk about her again. Although I do know it's giving me hope that maybe she will see me as something more. But that's not gonna happen and Danika knew that was my thought process. She made me feel loved again last night. Waking up with her arms around me and asking me if I feel better is exactly what I needed. Just someone to make me feel loved and not looking for someone to love.

It's another night like this to remind myself why I choose to live with my family. I choose to stay here for my grandpa and my sisters. I love my parents but they are so dysfunctional together. Separate i can love them both but together I just want to stick a middle finger at them and walk out of the house. I'm kind of mad that my friends bailed out on me tonight, but thankful for the reminder of how my life is at home. I'm here to be a pillar of support for my sisters. To explain to them why I yell at them and not just yell. To not just sit back and watch like my dad has done all these years. I will be the balance between both of them. My grandma used to be the balance and since she's gone I guess I have to step in. I can deal with it. Sometimes. I wanted to call you tonight after my parents stopped their scream session. I used to vent to you after all the scream sessions. But the magic that we had is gone and now I'm not sure if I have a right to ask you to help me. I don't even feel like you lable me as a friend anymore. Just a regret. It sucks to know that you think you hurt me so much and now you won't look at me.

Just look at me. See me for who I am.

You say you're not ready to be in a relationship. You say you aren't the girl for me. You want me to be happy with someone else. You want us to stay friends. I'm okay with that. Why can't you be okay with it? You being afraid to be my friend tells me that maybe, just maybe you have some feeling for me. You're just scared. But you know what? I'm not done fighting for you. I may be hurt and left with a broken heart but I'm not done just yet. So don't you dare pull away from me. You have no right to do that. I know how to heal my broken heart and you pulling away and ignoring me is not the answer. Don't you dare! Do a Sasha. I know you're better than her. I know when to stop because of her. It's not that time yet.

Look at me and smile. Look at me and remember why we became friends. Look at me and remember why you started to fall for me. Look at me like how I look at you.

I got my closure today. I finally asked you if I did something wrong that changed us. You said it wasn't. You weren't ready and you didn't like yourself the way you are. What isn't there to like? The person you are now is the person I came to care for as more than a friend. The person you are now gave me butterflies, goofy smiles and hope that maybe one day I could fall for you. If you want to change why can't I be there to see the change? Why did you have to push me away. Why did I just state at my phone for the past two months wondering if it was my fault. Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough for you?

I told you months ago that I'm not going anywhere. I've slept with other people, and been out on a few harmless dates and all I want is you. I still like you, and just because you tell me that you aren't ready doesn't mean that my feelings for you will just disappear. I can try and move on like I have been for the past two months but that didn't work out. So now here I am. Waiting for you to realize that I like you for who you are. You are a great person and I'm not going anywhere just yet. 

After I realized you didn't want anything to do with me. I slept with someone who trusted and would make me feel something. In the few weeks you were gone all I could think about was you coming home. Coming home to a girl who has been trying to fight for your attention. A girl who smiled whenever she talked about you, a girl who wanted to be yours. The sex was fun and it felt good.
I've been hanging out with other people but you, trying to move on from you. But all I want to do is invite you out with me. But I couldn't because I knew you would say no. I knew I wasn't enough to make you say yes. I don't want to get Danielle in the middle of this. I like hanging out with her but she's your friend and when she talks about you, I feel hurt, hurt I didn't know the story that she was telling me about you. Hurt that I couldn't be part of the story.
The movie tomorrow is probably the last time I will invite you anywhere. I'm hurt that you would rather clean than hang out with me and your best friend. I couldn't even bring myself to walk into your place and say hi. I just wanted to go home and move on. But what did i do? I saw you talking about a show on Netflix and instead I watched it by myself. Trying to figure out more about you. Always trying to learn more about you as a person. To figure out why I can't move on from you.
Why as soon as my date was over I thought about you. Why all I want to do is have your right here next to me.

Sad pathetic repetitive post of the week; done.

Goal: make progress