New post on a new blog.
This blog will be my personal journal, about everything and anything.
The first thing I want to talk about is a girl I was starting to care for. At first I thought it was just because I was hanging out with her a lot with our group of friends, and the next thing I know she was the only person on my mind. I would always think when would be the next time I get to hang out with her, when would I be able to hold her again, when will be the next time she'll smile when she sees me. Smile at me like she's happy to see me, not just being polite or it being an automatic reaction when you say hi to someone. That genuine smile that I love to see on people, that genuine smile that will make me like you as a person, that genuine smile that will make me smile back.
I haven't had a lot of good relationships in my life, and I haven't had a lot of bad ones either, heck I've only been on this planet for 21 years and I don't even know who I am. I know what it's like to be the other girl, I know what it's like to be cheated on, I know what it's like for your ex girlfriend to cheat on you with your other ex boyfriend and she gets knocked up, and eventually get married, and live whatever life they're living. I've been on the shit side of a relationship. The brighter side of a relationship, I never regret them. Even if they were with people who I don't really talk to anymore. I would never regret the first time someone asked to hold my hand, I will never regret my first kiss, never regret being in a long distance relationship only to realize we are better off as friends, I will never regret the people who I fell for. It makes me who I am today. It makes me realize what I want out of life. It makes me want more out of life.
I thought things were going great, until it felt like she didn't want to talk to me anymore. It feels like she doesn't want anything to do with me. It feels like shit right now. No matter how many times you get hurt, no matter how many different situations you've been in, having your feelings crushed will always hurt. I'm telling myself that maybe she's not doing this on purpose, maybe she has other stuff going on, maybe just maybe I am on her mind but she's just not showing. Maybe I should just move on and forget about her. I know what it feels like to be wanted and what i'm feeling right now is nowhere near how I felt with others.
To feel wanted and loved. That is what I want to feel again. I want to be the first person on someones mind in the morning and the last at night. I want to play the game with someone. I want to fall in love and be loved. I know I shouldn't rush any of this. Live life day by day right? Nankurunaisa meaning whatever happens, happens.
How do I just let my heart be broken? I'm allowed to cry right? I'm allowed to cry over a girl who I've only known for the past three months right? right?
Because I'm crying right now.