I was feeling pretty shitty and lonely last night. I don't drink and I don't do drugs.
But I would kill for any form of affection. There's another girl, (Nicole) that I still care for and it's complicated.
We would flirt, hang out and I asked her to be mine. I didn't wait. She was the girl that made me forget about Sasha. The girl who made me realize that what Sasha and I had was nothing, I should have wanted in a relationship. But she's not from here, shes only here for school and nothing more. I was okay with it, we would do everything together and I was happy. For a while anyways. When she went home we continued to talk like we normally would, until one day she asked me if it was okay to go out with someone back home.
I was shocked. Here she knew exactly how I felt about her and she goes out with someone back home.
What happens when she comes back for school? It would be the same exact situation that would have happened between us. She still has two more years of school here, did she not want me to be hers for those two years? Would have it been possible for her to just move here to be with me? Or if I move up there to be with her? So I told her I still cared for her and this is hurting me but she can do whatever she wants.
Sasha isn't part of my life anymore because I couldn't look at her without thinking "what if", what if I had fought for her sooner, what if I never did fall in love with her. Would Nicole be the same way? I didn't want it to be. So Nicole and I still talk. I'm not falling in love with her anymore and I can say I call her my friend. Who I sleep with from time to time... Yeah I know, its fucked. What makes it worse? Her girl friend knows we sleep together and is okay with it. So, yeah. Whatever happens, happens.
But when I started talking to Maia, she would get defensive whenever I talked to her. Even went through my messages and got mad at me for telling Maia that I actually liked her. Who was she the one to tell me for I can and can't like? Nicole told me she would hurt me in the end and all I could say was "You're the one who ended up hurting me, remember?" We haven't spoken to each other since November. Until today. I slept with her, I wanted to feel wanted again, needed to feel wanted. It feels good to have Nicole back in my life again even if it doesn't last.
She's laying next to me right now. Sleeping, so at peace. I'm happy right now, but all I can think about is
"Guess she was right though. I did end up getting hurt by Maia."