I was feeling pretty shitty and lonely last night. I don't drink and I don't do drugs.
But I would kill for any form of affection. There's another girl, (Nicole) that I still care for and it's complicated.

We would flirt, hang out and I asked her to be mine. I didn't wait. She was the girl that made me forget about Sasha. The girl who made me realize that what Sasha and I had was nothing, I should have wanted in a relationship. But she's not from here, shes only here for school and nothing more.  I was okay with it, we would do everything together and I was happy. For a while anyways. When she went home we continued to talk like we normally would, until one day she asked me if it was okay to go out with someone back home.
I was shocked. Here she knew exactly how I felt about her and she goes out with someone back home.

What happens when she comes back for school? It would be the same exact situation that would have happened between us. She still has two more years of school here, did she not want me to be hers for those two years? Would have it been possible for her to just move here to be with me? Or if I move up there to be with her? So I told her I still cared for her and this is hurting me but she can do whatever she wants.

Sasha isn't part of my life anymore because I couldn't look at her without thinking "what if", what if I had fought for her sooner, what if I never did fall in love with her. Would Nicole be the same way? I didn't want it to be. So Nicole and I still talk. I'm not falling in love with her anymore and I can say I call her my friend. Who I sleep with from time to time... Yeah I know, its fucked. What makes it worse? Her girl friend knows we sleep together and is okay with it. So, yeah. Whatever happens, happens.

But when I started talking to Maia, she would get defensive whenever I talked to her. Even went through my messages and got mad at me for telling Maia that I actually liked her. Who was she the one to tell me for I can and can't like?  Nicole told me she would hurt me in the end and all I could say was "You're the one who ended up hurting me, remember?" We haven't spoken to each other since November. Until today. I slept with her, I wanted to feel wanted again, needed to feel wanted. It feels good to have Nicole back in my life again even if it  doesn't last.

She's laying next to me right now. Sleeping, so at peace. I'm happy right now, but all I can think about is

"Guess she was right though. I did end up getting hurt by Maia."

Maia. Her name is Maia and I miss her. That's all I wanted to tell her when she got home. 

"I miss you and I want you back in my life." 

I still haven't had the chance to do that. 

Maybe I'm just to slow when it comes to relationships. I always try to play it safe but end up getting left behind. I just never had the timing. Probably never will. 

What worries me is that I won't get to see the new friends I made because I don't want this to get awkward. I'm probably the one who's going to make things awkward. Oh well though, I tried and things didnt work out. 

So remember what I did and move on right? Don't forget the hurt from this. Remember and move on. 

Be happy.

New post on a new blog.

This blog will be my personal journal, about everything and anything.

The first thing I want to talk about is a girl I was starting to care for. At first I thought it was just because I was hanging out with her a lot with our group of friends, and the next thing I know she was the only person on my mind. I would always think when would be the next time I get to hang out with her, when would I be able to hold her again, when will be the next time she'll smile when she sees me. Smile at me like she's happy to see me, not just being polite or it being an automatic reaction when you say hi to someone. That genuine smile that I love to see on people, that genuine smile that will make me like you as a person, that genuine smile that will make me smile back.

I haven't had a lot of good relationships in my life, and I haven't had a lot of bad ones either, heck I've only been on this planet for 21 years and I don't even know who I am. I know what it's like to be the other girl, I know what it's like to be cheated on, I know what it's like for your ex girlfriend to cheat on you with your other ex boyfriend and she gets knocked up, and eventually get married, and live whatever life they're living. I've been on the shit side of a relationship. The brighter side of a relationship, I never regret them. Even if they were with people who I don't really talk to anymore. I would never regret the first time someone asked to hold my hand, I will never regret my first kiss, never regret being in a long distance relationship only to realize we are better off as friends, I will never regret the people who I fell for. It makes me who I am today. It makes me realize what I want out of life. It makes me want more out of life.

I thought things were going great, until it felt like she didn't want to talk to me anymore. It feels like she doesn't want anything to do with me. It feels like shit right now. No matter how many times you get hurt, no matter how many different situations you've been in, having your feelings crushed will always hurt. I'm telling myself that maybe she's not doing this on purpose, maybe she has other stuff going on, maybe just maybe I am on her mind but she's just not showing. Maybe I should just move on and forget about her. I know what it feels like to be wanted and what i'm feeling right now is nowhere near how I felt with others.

To feel wanted and loved. That is what I want to feel again. I want to be the first person on someones mind in the morning and the last at night. I want to play the game with someone. I want to fall in love and be loved. I know I shouldn't rush any of this. Live life day by day right? Nankurunaisa meaning whatever happens, happens.

How do I just let my heart be broken? I'm allowed to cry right? I'm allowed to cry over a girl who I've only known for the past three months right? right?

Because I'm crying right now.